unpublished letters (pasilip sa sulat 2)

I woke up today with a specific theme to start my day with. But I forgot what it was already.

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How odd to realize that I still have lots of hang-ups over a lot of people. No, not a lot, just two. Two people whose lives could’ve been intertwined with mine, if only they had bothered to stay.

But unfortunately, they both chose to have nothing to do with me. As much as I would off-handedly say, “No big loss,” that wouldn’t be completely true. Because even if they chose not to be in my life, they are a part of my history. They have changed me.

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My other blog was created to purge myself of memories. But it was useless, especially if you continue to make more memories while trying to erase the old ones. It’s like draining the washing machine of dirty water, but you have the spout emptying into the washer. Yeah, I know. Stupid.

So let me try again.

Matagal ko nang inisip kung pano ko sisimulan na kausapin ka, kasi kahit na ano mang mangyari, alam ko na may magbabago. Magalit man ako o magmakaawa, ganon din ang kalalabasan: magbabago ang pagkakaibigan natin.

But what the hell. I’ve been so afraid of change I did not even want us to change for the better. I was so haunted by the good times that I did not realize the bad times were breaking me piece by piece, moment by moment, until there was nothing left of me to salvage.

Everyone knew how much I loved you. You even knew it yourself; you just did not want to do anything about it. But what you did not know was just how long I wanted to tell you: I loved you. Loved. Past tense.

Because even if ever I still love you now, it wouldn’t matter. You have damaged me too much for me to even remember how I loved you. Or why.

Matagal tagal ko nang inasam na sabihin sa’yo yan. Pero may mas malupit pa kong tanong sa’yo na mas matagal ko nang pinangarap na sabihin sa’yo ng harapan: WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?

Kailangan ko pa bang isa-isahin kung paano mo ko sinaktan?

Oo. Kasi ganon ka kabulag.

I loved you because first and foremost, you are my friend. We’ve been through a lot together: countless fights, treasured laughter, priceless inside jokes. We’ve shared too much. I admit I will never ever find anybody like you, or more important, I will never be this in sync with anybody else in this lifetime. And as much as I treasure that idea, it also has to be the thing that hurts the most.

That these facts aren’t as important to you when they mean the life to me.

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  Ba’t ganon?

Mahal kita pag di kita nakikita. Mahal kita pag-iniisip na lang kita. Pero pag magkasama na tayo, parang wala na lang.

Di ko alam kung wala akong nararamdaman pag kasama kita, o sobrang mahal kita na kapag magkasama tayo wala na lahat ng problema, wala na lahat ng sakit.

Are yuo just a figment of my imagination? Do I only love the idea of you?

Tumatatak ka pa rin sa isipan ko. Masakit pa rin na naaalala mo lang ako kapag may kailangan ka. Di ko alam kung I don’t mind kasi wala ka nang meaning sa’kin, o kasi ok lang, kasi mahal naman kita.

Baka nga di ka lang para sa akin.

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Ayoko kong istorbohin ka kasi may ginagawa kang importante. Nakakainis lang siguro na naiintindihan ko kasi ang trabaho mo: kung gaano ito kaimportante sa’yo, kung gaano to kaimportante sa akin kung ako ang nasa posisyon mo. Gusto kong maging ka-perspective mo, pero masyado nang magkaiba ang mundo natin.

Di na tayo pwede maging tayo.

Marami akong alam tungkol sa’yo. May alam ka ba tungkol sa’kin?

Ikaw ang taong mahirap pinakamahirap kwentuhan ng nangyayari sa akin. Tinanong mo ako noon, “Paplastikin pa ba kita?”

Oo. Araw-araw mo akong pinaplastik. Unfair bang isipin ko na kaibigan mo lang ako kapag may kailangan ka?

We have always talked about the things of the mind. But as for the heart, I really really doubt if you have one.

Aminin na natin: you have never cared for me.

I have devoted countless poems and letters to you. I know that not one means a thing. You have taught me how to feel. And how not to.

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Why not?

Kasasabi ko lang nung isang araw na tapos na ako sa parte ng buhay ko na kasama ka. Sabi ko, tama na, hindi na kita mahal.

Pero andito na naman ako, inaantay ka.

Hindi ko kailangan ng closure. Di ko na rin inaasam na malaman mo. Oo, patuloy pa rin akong sumusulat sa’yo, mga sulat na kahit kailan hindi mababasa ng mga mata mo. Mga sulat na matagal nang nararamdaman ng puso mo, pero hindi kahit kailan natin sasabihin.

Ano pa nga ba ang magbabago? Wala na. Masaya ka na, pinipilit ko nang maging masaya. Wala nang drama. Pero di pa rin natin isusulat sa hangin gamit ang mga salita. Hindi dahil takot tayo. Kundi dahil hindi natin alam simulan.

Waw. Di ko inisip kahit kailan na mauubusan ako ng sasabihin sa’yo. Pero heto, wala nang gustong sabihin ang puso ko. Utak ko, marami pa gusto sabihin, pero mga bagay lang yun na pwede hindi pansinin.

Masaya na ba ko? Hindi pa. Pero hindi na ko umiiyak, hindi na ko miserable, hindi na ako galit. Do I still care? Oo naman. Kaibigan kita. Mahal kita kahit hindi na kita GANON kamahal. GUsto kitang makitang masaya. Yung totoong masaya. Yung hindi galit/asshole na masaya. Hindi yung kilig na masaya na hindi naman tumatagal.

Narealize ko lang, dahil nga sa’yo, ayoko na nang masayang in-love. Di naman tumatagal yun. Gusto ko nung God-saya. Yung tunay na maligaya.

At dahil na naman sa’yo kaya ako nadala sa Kanya.

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These are letters I wrote on different incidents of insanity. I wrote them here because they are in the past, and I have no intention of going back.

It’s  time to drain the washer.

 Enough… Enough.

-Mark, Love Actually (2003)

~ by angmgatuhod on 18 October, 2006.