oh, what do you call that again? Oh yes. Angst.

“Why do the best things in life sometimes come at the wrong time, when the only options are grab it now, or never have it again?”

So says a text message from my guy bestfriend. As much as I do not really like texted quotes (I have a very limited inbox in my crappy crappy phone), I found that I cannot delete this message. I agreed with it. Truly, the best things come by when you know that the wise thing to do is to just say no, and risk it to be gone forever.

But  isn’t that exactly the point? Temptation is no good unless it’s something you really really desire. To be able to say no to it is what builds your character; to be able to make that hard decision is what makes you great.  To not succumb to what is easy and frivolous is truly a very difficult predicament. But that is exactly the point. You will not build muscle unless you are given resistance.

*****

The past week had not been particularly hellish, but it was a huge struggle. For some reason, I cannot drum up enough energy to work properly, which in turn, screwed up my sense of urgency. I found my patience to be lower, and my appetite swung from being ravenous one minute, and everything-tastes-like-cardboard the next.

So. Classic sign of an impending painful period. Check.

Now that I am not so emotional though, I found that there were some points I am grateful for in retrospective.

It was Tuesday night that the previously dormant parent-daughter shouting match had been risen and wrecked havoc on all of Asia. Well, this dot of Marikina anyway. And the point of the argument: eating while working on their PC.
It was petty, but as parent-daughter shouting matches go, it escalated to topics I am not even sure what the point was. Overall though, daughter came out as the worst specimen in the world.

In restrospect though, it was good. I admit I have been slacking off, with everything. I had been depressed for a year now, which is probably the longest I’ve gone denying it.  Or not doing anything about it. My favorite therapy had always been bitching, but since there is no one to bitch to, I feel like everything is trapped inside, while trickles of the worst venom seep out and spread over everyone I talk to. Having my parents scream at me for something as inane as snacks next to the PC was partly refreshing, and partly a huge kicking in the balls (theoretically). I didn’t say it wasn’t annoying and stupid, but it did wake me up. You cannot build muscle when you’re slacking off.

Yes, I am grateful for troubles. I may bitch on and on about it, I may say that I don’t want it anymore, I may try to run away especially when I do not know what to do.

But being forced to face reality is what makes you strong. Feeling that weakness and helplessness and fighting it is what makes you great.

The battle is only truly won when you can appreciate what it took to get to the top.

******

I see my contemporaries now, and I know they’re living easy lives. I am living a fairly easy life. We have nothing to fight for. They say fight for democracy but we are so far beyond the reach of actually feeling it that we most of the time do not understand what we say. We don’t feel it, so we do not truly care.

To be honest, I do not truly care. I should, it is my duty. But my life is easy, and my troubles are limited to petty parental shouting matches, trivial work inconveniences, and irrelevant overthinking of a non-existent love life. My caring is limited to slacktivism, as some people now call it. It is frustrating, to have nothing to actually fight for.

I am living a shallow life, a life that is mostly make-believe because I cannot feel anything.

~ by denice on 27 June, 2009.