the post that was for last last Friday.
Someone said that celebrating Independence Day in the middle of the Con-Ass controversy is irrelevant already. I disagree. In truth, Independence Day should be even more celebrated. No matter what farce people say the 1898 Independence was, it was still the first moment in time we as Filipinos have declared that we deserve democracy. We stood up for ourselves that long long time ago. It should be celebrated.
I find it funny that it was Independence Day, but most people are either lamenting or rejoicing the Lakers’ win. Maybe it’s a hypocritical thing to say, as we as Filipinos can’t really help but root for basketball, but it’s amusing for me to watch people argue the Lakers vs. Orlando match. Uh, we’re neither from Florida nor LA. We are spectators, we don’t count in their “we”. We as Filipinos get affected by basketball, sure. But don’t count yourself as part of “them”. “They” don’t even consider you as part of “them”.
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Just because you feel an attraction doesn’t mean that you should act on it. There is still the very big consideration on whether it would work out. There is still that big consideration of whether you would actually stay together through thick and thin.
As much as I like this person right now to the point of distraction/madness/stupidity, I must restrain myself. We clearly do not have a future together. We are too alike and too different at the same time, in all the wrong ways. I should not even be thinking about this, much more write about it. But given the fact that I do not have a best friend anymore to use as a sounding board, I don’t think I have much choice but to write it down to ensure my sanity.
It is very difficult, not having a best friend. I’m so used to talking about these things that bother me, of being able to trust that one person in the entire world who can tell what I really feel, who can tell me all the things I didn’t want to hear but had to. I miss my best friend, but through some unknown reason, she’s done with me. And while people I know will tell me to talk it out with her, I can’t because she doesn’t want to speak to me. If it is an ever again kind of thing, I don’t know; but I do know that it hurt and I should just console myself by pretending not to care. I should just go on living my life, which by the way is rockin’ right now. No matter what a bitch work is, I am still pretty much fulfilled and happy. Except when I remember that part.
Funny, I lost two friends this year already. I must be doing something awful, and I must not be that great friend I always thought I was.
(well, we talked, but not enough. See, outwardly we seem OK, but that’s exactly the thing. We never ‘talk’ anymore. And there is no room for it too. But hey. My expertise is in my supposed moving on.)
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“There is no such thing as ready,” she says. “There’s just willing.” – Toni, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
It hit me with a dull thud that ensured the onslaught of a rather long shock. I am almost 25. I live with my parents, and I do not have a penny to my name. I work my ass off for a company that is probably exploiting me, but I am too scared to actually figure out if they are. I love what I do, but everyday makes me feel like a huge fraud. I am an awful driver, and my love life is limited to imagined situations that I conjure up in order to fall asleep at night.
I am such a loser.
I don’t think I will ever be ready for adulthood. The thing is, if there will be any time in the future that I shall be willing, this would have been it.
What I wouldn’t give to be an actual responsible adult capable of handling herself? I still have to build my true self-esteem, and stop relying on the confidence that I fake. I want to be able to say exactly what I want, and be sure that it is what I wanted.
*hugs*