the paradox of knowing.

When I was a third year high school student and still didn’t have the wisdom to not be emo, I heard that my highschool crush liked that girl who liked him back.

It all seems blurry, but I remember walking out of the canteen, into the quad, and bitterly telling Bianca, “I wish I didn’t know.”

Bianca looked at me then and said, her voice laced with contempt reserved for stupid people, “Isn’t it better that you knew it now than later on when they’re already together?”

+++++++

I’m still carrying with me that unknown sense of giddiness from last Friday. It has mostly evaporated, but a considerable part is still there, making it a lot easier to smile even when technically, by the imaginary points I use to measure abstract concepts, everything is fucked up.

Funny, that unknown reason why I’m smiling is actually a part of that fucked up everything.

But still, my mind refuses to process a lot of things now. I let myself enjoy this feeling, because even if I didn’t learn anything else from the past years, that at least I learned. I should not overthink these feelings. I should enjoy it, because they are truly ephemeral.

Part of me has that iron-grip on reality though. It does not want to let me go and enjoy things fully, without a thought of consequence. It is there, reminding me of the reality that no matter how I feel, it has been programmed into me to process these things, if only in the initializing stage of overthinking.

But to tell the truth, I am very grateful that I know it now. Ignorance is bliss, but ignorance and I have never truly gotten along. Ignorance is fickle, because at one point or the other, reality bitchslaps you from nowhere and ignorance betrays you.

Now I understand that though it kind of slightly hurts to know that there will never ever be anything between us, I know enough now to keep myself from actually loving you the way I loved before. I know that even though everything from now on is marred by the thought that you will never ever like me that way again, for some reason I don’t even need to hear, I have treasured this feeling now. Just now, and I am ready when it fades away, just like all other feelings.

*************

There was post before this, but it was in the other computer. It was about Independence Day, and the Lakers game, I think. Something. There was also mention about losing friends, about not knowing, but not needing to.

************

As much as I’m not one for shameless plugging, I’d have to share that I am giddy with excitement at the thought that Inday Espina-Varona of the Philippine Graphic quoted me. ME.

Imagine my expletive-peppered-suprise-induced yell at Relly when he told me.

As Mia said, it’s writer’s ego. It’s probably nothing to the rest of the world, probably even nothing to Ma’am Espina-Varona. But for someone who had dreaded OJT because she didn’t think she was cut out to be a journ practitioner, for someone who was so scared to graduate because 4 years didn’t seem enough, for someone who continually feels like a fraud even now that she has answered the call, it is very much appreciated. I am very much humbled. Thank you ma’am. It was an inspiration.

~ by denice on 17 June, 2009.