warp skip.

I’m fookin’ tired.

This constant rush of irrelevant and unimportant strong feelings exhausts me. I cannot keep up with my almost non-existent sanity with this sad mix of hormones and bipolar-ness. Worse is that with these incredibly confusing feelings make me forget who I have established I was.

It’s back to the drawing board I guess.

*********************

Because DeviantArt is being a fart:

This is something I wrote even before I read Twilight. Mostly, it was inspired by a friend on Chathour, and was meant to be something open to interpretation.

Run.

You told me to run so I did.

I’ve never been one to heed an advice, but there was something in your voice that told me it would be a good idea to, at that moment. There was a certain… danger– urgency– and, was it my imagination– pain, that I could not bear to argue with. So when you told me to run, in an uncharacteristically quiet voice, I did.

I didn’t understand what happened really. We were simply laughing over some nonsensical thing, something so trivial it did not even matter why it should be funny. And then a look. And then a fleeting glance. And then I noticed how the candlelight cast shadows in your eyes, how the flickering lights made your eyes look mirror-like and endless at the same time. How your profile seemed sharper in the dim glow of the votives, there for no other reason than to illuminate that dark basement when the lights went out. How your hands seemed to reach for me, but you just left them on your lap.

And then you told me to run, so I did.

So now I’m here, all out of breath, wondering why I ran. Regretting too, that I didn’t just stay and hold your hand. Then maybe, the things that happened next hadn’t happened. Then maybe, there wouldn’t be this empty feeling inside, as if I lost something very very precious, but it’s just too late.

*******

Honestly, I’m seriously freaked by PoL (no, he doesn’t read my blog haha). He has this habit of weirdly appearing at times that I don’t think I consciously call him, but need him just the same. He’s more of a warning, though, than a guardian angel. Someone in the cosmos is playing a very unfunny joke.

*********

I wish there is a way to actually Warp Skip real life.

I do understand the wisdom behind not being able to, but really, it would save me a lot of humiliation.

See, the thing is, I have a good memory for things needed to be analyzed (as long as they are not math-related), and I have a fairly good bend on my learning curve, but I often forget the lessons I’ve learned when I’m flustered. Yes, I would need to toggle on the Composure stat, but really, that one costs the most for me. And when I’m flustered, I forget who I am supposed to be. Not the part I’m acting, but more of the things I’ve already established as Denice-ness.

Isn’t it just a tad bit too sad when you don’t know yourself anymore? Or worse, when you see yourself and you’re hating you for being…that?

I guess it’s the epitome of being alone when even your own self won’t party with you.

~ by denice on 3 December, 2008.