i confuse myself.

They said there are thousands of kinds of colds, which is why there is no cure for the common cold, because there is no such things as a common cold anyway. So, whatever virus strain of colds this is, I’m happy that it’s just a light tickling sensation in my nose, mostly because being slightly sick today is a product of an uber-strange night reconnaissance.

Not reconnaissance in the strictest sense, but a night stalking still. We were on a quest, K and I. And last night was, though we had different reasons, is a strangely good anecdote. Unlike in literature though, there is no narrator to explain the purpose and meaning. It was merely a literal walk in the rain.

Too literal, really. After being tired of being run over by people despite sitting at the farthest end of the hallway, that strange boy K and this strange girl Denice went out in the fudging rain and walked. No mean feat, but when you take into account that K does not have any (and I mean any at all!) sense of direction, and the rain fogs up my glasses, Makati at night is almost equivalent to a labyrinth. A muddy, wet, labyrinth where all the buildings look the same. Once in a while you’d spot an lonely Jollijeep in the road… and then realize that there are myriad lonely Jollijeeps in the area. We parked the car a stone’s throw away from the building, and yet for a certain trip, we just walked from Rufino to Greenbelt 1. And back. Through another way. To get lost again.

Well, to say that we were actually lost is a bit of an exaggeration. I have a fairly good sense of direction, and hello, we were just in Makati. In reality it was a bit of a mere small-ish challenge. I was relatively dry (I mean, compared to K, because he graciously lent me his jacket), and I was not under the threat of death nor pain. It was merely a genius idea to try and wade through Makati’s streets. Next time, I want to do it in Manila, where there is actual danger in streets you don’t know. Makati is still quite safe. Invigorating as it was, it was a mere moment. Not so much as a grand adventure, but it was note-worthy all the same.

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I got in! W00t to me.

But that means I will be remembering a day I swore not to remember this year. Hmm. Maybe next year then. At least now, I won’t tear inside everytime I remember what the day held for me years ago. It is a small relief that I cannot even recall how long ago it was. I hope I wont remember that day too. Soon.

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I repeat myself, don’t I?

Mostly, the stuff you see on this blog is just a repeat of what I was saying some months ago, and I even write the same passages. Have I run out of things to say?

I don’t think so. It’s just that there are lots of things out there to experience, too many things to become and to want and to have and to live out, but I can’t put it all into words. I confine myself in my comfort zone, so I end up repeating myself. In a way, there aren’t many new thing in life, only repeats and rehashes of the same boring story. But, the difference is that you would feel different each and everytime. The beloved childhood story does not seem as phenomenal when you hear it again in your grown up years. What used to be a trivial plot point in a movie now seems to be more poignant and life-altering. And sometimes, a song lyric now means more to you now than ever. But tomorrow, it would just be words.

Which is kind of exactly my point. Mostly these are just words, and we are merely the ones who assign meanings and concepts to it. Mostly, things happen inside of us, and we tend to overthink, and thus, overreact. But in reality, nothing ever really happened.

I think that was me attempting to be simpler. Shallower and more philosophical. I’ve confused myself.

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I realize that I have contradicted myself lots of times. I must be hanging around K too much.

With you, I am lost. Without you I find myself.

-from the shirt of a manong inside last night’s jeep.

~ by denice on 8 September, 2008.