an old entry I forgot to post.

“Tumatalino na ang mga babae.”

“Huh?”
“Isipin mo, mga katulad na lang ni Janina ang sumasali sa beauty contest. Ibig sabihin, yan na lang ang nahahanap nila na me interest sa mga ganyang bagay.”

“Oo nga, pero ano unang statement mo?”

“Tumatalino na mga babae.”

“Ah, so hindi dating matalino?”

“You want proof?”

“Meron na. Pinakasalan ka ng asawa mo.”

powta.

******

I feel worldly.

It’s like floating in a deeply spiritual meditation — just like a composite of buddha in a bikram yoga pose– and then suddenly crashing to the world below. Suddenly, the other worldly peace and clarity is lost in the noise and rawness and texture and solidity. It’s like a close-up shot suddenly jerked to wide-angle. It’s gasping for air from near-choking, but without the relief.

Yes, worldly. Like the world has sucked me into her orbit and I feel everything.

I am a fictional character who can suddenly hear and see everything after a long long bout of deafness and blindness. I am a fictional character in the denoument of a coming-of-age story. Inner peace, being invaded by chaotic things.

**************

Sometimes I wonder if I should not be happy.

According to my track record, I am more productive when I am debilitatingly suffering. Yes, a masochist if you must, but only in terms of crying out hundreds and hundreds of pathetic wailing and hoping that in one of those I will find one that spells accidental genius.

But then again, if it’s accidental it’s not real genius. That’s effing luck.

Thing is, do I really have to be depressed in order to push out something good? Is my happiness really the price to pay to birth something that matters? Well, not that I could change the world or anything, but it is certainly more fulfilling to see and read stuff I’ve down when I’m in the brink of falling to total and complete patheticness.

I bloom when I’m about to hit rock bottom. Is there a plant like that?

No, I’m not feeling especially pathetic right now. Despite the threat of being broke in a month’s time and the looming unemployment (I resigned, see), I don’t think I’m hitting rock bottom. It’s more like how I felt the last time I felt like resigning (see the old blog, the naivete and enlightenment entry), when it felt right. It feels liberating and naive and blissfully ignorant all at the same time. But most of all, it feels like it is what I should do. It doesn’t mean that I am not scared. I am definitely, cripplingly scared.

~ by denice on 3 April, 2008.