This must be what going mad feels like. – Dr. Simon Tam, Firefly episode “Jaynestown”

Dear You, You who has tormented me for the past several uncountable years (uncountable because I have stopped counting a long time ago):

 It’s been a whole year. Yep, a whole year today. Not that I’m counting, but you know my inability to deal with numbers, which is why I have devised a way to keep track of memories. And that device brought back memories of today, one year ago.

I’ve started dreaming about you again. I hate it when that happens. I’ve always associated dreams with lovers and their inexplicable ability to convey messages to each other in their sleep. We are not lovers. We are not part of that somnabulist message sending. And yet I dream about you. In my dreams, we’re friends again, and I get to hug you. Not lovingly, but with enough familiarity to make me feel safe and, as much as I don’t want to feel it, whole.

However, they are mere dreams. In the real world, we are of different lives now. Enough time has passed to even say that we are of different people now. We don’t know each other in the literal sense. So why do I still dream of you?

Some people might say it’s because I never resolved anything with you. Or vice-versa, that detail is irrelevant. I would have to beg to differ then, because we were resolved a long time ago. There is nothing left to talk about. We have reached an understanding, albeit an unspoken one. Forgive me, but I like to romanticize that when it came to the end, when it was all over, we, in part, were lovers.

So if there is nothing left to talk about, why this letter still?

Well, many things, but let me boil it down to two. One, because it seemed to be an apt way to de-celebrate the omnious day. Somehow, someday, I will be able to not remember this day. I will be able to treat it just like any day: one that is not punctuated by a sinking feeling in my chest, one when I would see your name and remember nothing.

And two, because I want to lay the blame somewhere. And honey, you are such a ripe target.

It is so easy it blame you for all of these. These things I feel and don’t feel anymore. You are the reason for all of it. You are the reason why I can’t fall in love anymore.

Don’t flatter yourself though. It’s not because you occupy my heart and all that go-se. Rather it’s because the things you put me through rendered me incapable. I am not as strong as they keep telling me.

And because I am not capable to sharing me with another person, I am to be alone. I just want you to know that. I just want you to know that it was, and is, your fault.

***********

Please God, make me stone.

-River Tam, Serenity (2005) 

~ by denice on 14 October, 2007.