nothing here is happy
Somebody once told me she liked my writing better when I’m in pain. Another somebody told me that pain suits me. Hmm. No wonder my writing sucks nowadays.
Everyday, I check to see the progress of other people’s lives. I am always on the lookout for a story however benign. Let me fill in the drama they lack. But at the end of the day, I am still left with nothing to dream about, nothing to look forward to the next day.
This is me feeling empty. I had turned my back on the things that made me feel alive before. Why? Because it required too much emotion, too much passion. I don’t know if I am capable of feeling all of that. I don’t know if emptiness is a good or a bad thing. I do not have the adventure that I dream of because it had confronted me, but I had turned it down.
It is not often that words flow through me. I haven’t written in a year. It is very hard to share private hell when all the world believes you’re strong. It is very hard to write how you feel when you yourself cannot validate what you feel. When you yourself believe that your feelings are petty and insignificant.
I now know why a lot of people feel the need to pursue happiness. Unlike before, when happiness was a prayer away, now it is a continuing battle of regret, guilt, despair and emptiness. Happiness is not by my side anymore. I have sunk into the pit of mediocrity and nothing here is happy.
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I miss the dim lights of rock and roll. These days it seems like I am forever blinded by the glaring reflections off bling and yuppie preoccupations. I wanna watch gigs again, and I wanna get drunk on red horse and I wanna have the same disregard for my life as I did before.
Too bad I grew past that.
I don’t know who you are, or if this profile/entry is real or not… maybe its just some writing project… but if you’re real, and you mean what you write, then I relate whole-heartedly. I can’t tell if I’m glad there’s someone out there who feels similarly, or if that just depresses me further. In some way, its nice to not feel quite so alone.
I don’t know who you are either, but thanks. I’m glad I’ve helped (I think. Just don’t go suicidal and blame it on this blog. Come to think of it, I think that’s what all my friends do…) Don’t worry, I am real, and the contents of this blog are products of my dwelling within myself. It’s actually funny, because yesterday, I was feeling like this blog is too personal and that I should be blogging about world events and stuff like that. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I don’t know), I am too self-centered to write about anything other than me. I’m glad the self-centeredness became handy though.^^ Enjoy the Complete Guide… and if you have a blog I’d love to read your thoughts too.^^
Lol. Nah I don’t get suicidal. I just take my frustration out on others!
(My friends got used to it, but its still unfortunate for them.) When I’m stuck in my own head too long, I go a little crazy, and start acting unlike myself. Sometimes I feel empty, how you described. Sometimes I feel outside myself. But, typically, I am very happy go lucky, and always on the lookout for something new to try out.
My blog shows that really well. I update it like 89472938 times a day with some new idea I have. Usually they’re short and boring, but once in a while I’ll post something long that actually gets inside my head.
Oh, and its on myspace. Cliche, I know: http://www.myspace.com/nadalia_cross