gamut of emotions

 Sometimes it’s so easy to forget why a relationship cannot work, no matter how good that person makes you feel now. It’s so easy to just get lost in a feeling, to allow yourself to be cherished and made to feel special even for just a moment. That is, if you wouldn’t let your Denice-ness out.

You can’t help but imagine how a future with that person would feel like. Given your past experiences with love, you would rather opt to get away from it all, to just stop feeling. Hence, whenever you begin feeling something, all the reasons why it wouldn’t work enters your mind to rot and fester. Therefore ruining all chances, all possibilities. It’s not pessimism. It’s a very firm grip on reality.

Because you know that once you let go of reality, you would float to the ends of the dreamworld and won’t find your way back. Of course you’re scared. You’d be a fool not to be scared. Tis a deep and dangerous terrain you cross when you love. And as much as you want to experience that giddiness, that sense of fulfillment when in love, you know you’d do everything just to avoid it. Or at least pretend that you don’t want it.

I hate it that it’s ok for other people to show emotions, but when I do, it seems like I am only highlighting my weaknesses. One thing I learned in this life is to not show pain, even in the most hurtful circumstances. To show pain is to negate grace. And grace is the thing that puts you above all else.  

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So finally the “grand” debut’s over. It was very fun, albeit incredibly stressful. I willl never run around looking for the 18 candles/roses/hellholes ever again! If they aren’t there on the friggin stage by the time their names were called, the hell with them.

*Angsty me over.*

Moving on….

YEAH RIGHT.

Sorry, but I really am predisposed to bitchin about more. The angry me is finally out, not festering inside like before. When you’re angry, you don’t feel pain. Or at least it doesn’t overwhelm you. When you’re angry, you feel like you’re taking action.

And when you’re calm enough, the world stops spinning and you, again, are left alone.

So why stop being angry?

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Why are all cute guys born way after I was born?? It’s not fair. Now, all good guys are younger than me. Pfft. Good luck cradle-snatcher.

~ by denice on 20 March, 2007.