on growing up and being scared as hell
I didn’t feel 2006. I feel like the whole year just breezed me by, like I don’t have any milestone to chronicle this year with.
Of course there were “main events”. Like finding a ‘new love’.
Why, Panic! at the Disco of course!
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(tried uploadin pics but stupid earthquake fromTaiwan damaged cable wires so have been suffering from webfrustration the whole week)
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So I have proven my inate ability to be addicted so easily. With P!atD, I’m needing rehab already. I spent the entire week with my over-sized headphones permanently stuck to my ears, and the entire weekend dancing to music only I can hear. And apparently, I am contagious. My siblings are all singing “Strike up the band!” or “I’m a DEEEE-VAAAAHHH!” in sporadic bursts. There, I have settled myself as an influence.
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Anyway, how do I rate the year that was past? It was a constant reminder of how grateful I should be. And I am. It was a year of drastic and much awaited changes, and I would have to say that if 2005 forced me to grow up, this time, I have found my momentum and doing good time in the maturity department.
Not to say that I am completely grown up. It’s just that this year was a quest for passion, and clues to what this passion is constantly unfolds. I am grateful that I now know, if vaguely, what I want and that I have realized what things are important. It had been a very emotional year, maybe less emotional than the year before, but at least this time I get that feeling of an ending at the start of a new year. Like this time, I can start anew, with no hang-ups, no unanswered questions, no dubious certainties. Well, not exactly no hang-ups, but decidedly less than before. Haha!
This time, new year actually feels like a new day. As some forgotten text quote pointed out, new days are God’s way of saying, “One more time!” like some deranged but completely lovable dance instructor. Not that I’m saying God is deranged… well, maybe He is. I mean, He did make me, and only deranged people would ever think of that! But God is the standard for everything, so there. Let me stop digressing before this gets too complicated to explain.
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Speaking of new beginnings, (no, not the Milo commercial, you twit.) Jill and I were talking about how the things we used to wear ending up so mainstream now. I then realized how un-Denice I was starting to look. In the attempt of not looking like everybody else, my wardrobe had turned formal (gasp!). Yes, ladies and gents, I have started to look human.
Maybe it is just another sign of growing up. The appeal of upstaging a clown on the highway has faded. Now whenever I see a girl wearing somehing outrageous, I don’t judge. I smirk. Because I know how that felt like and somehow, it feels pointless in retrospect. For me anyway. I think everyone has to go through that phase, a growing up project to find what exactly defines your personality.
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I said I didn’t feel 2006. Maybe it’s because it was too much of a catalyst of a year. It was the end of lots of things, happy and hurtful. It was the beginning of a new life, one that would define how the greatness will take effect. It is also a new kind of beginning. A beginning to start realizing that I am grown up and I should start acting like one, and the beginning to actually feel like one. You don’t know how unbelievably scary that is.
Piece of advice: you can lose your money. You can spend it – all of it. Maybe work hard, get it all back. But if you waste your time, you’re never gonna get it back.
-Del Knox, Without a Paddle (2004)
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