a summary of a day spent in constant headache.

I’m trying to stop smoking.

Yeah, the first reaction of my smoker-friends would be a resounding “WHY????”. Afterall, I could’ve been a poster-girl for Smokers’ Rights. My non-smoker friends would not say anything. They would just finally let out the breaths they have been holding in for a long time.

I just got tired of smoking.

I find it funny that no one could have forced me not to smoke, try as he/she/they might. I would have snuck one or two sticks a day when no one’s looking.

But now I’m quitting of my own free will. Ayoko na lang. Yeah, masakit sya sa katawan, especially these stupid withdrawal symptoms, but hell. I’m strong. I’ve been through bigger tragedies than nausea or a constant pounding headache. Or so I think.

So far, I haven’t touched a single stick in 5 days. Five fudging days. I’m enduring the headaches, the craving, the nausea and the constant itch to put something in my mouth. I’ve cleaned out the candy plate in the office. Am in the process of cleaning out the Fita box (and I didnt even like Fita). Am substituting the nicotine with caffeine so after this I would have to be rehabilitated or excessive coffee intake.

This is starting to look like a miserable idea.

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 Now I know how the Kabirds felt when I tell them my “him” stories. It’s a creepy feeling, like a giant tapeworm slithering just above your tummy. A helpless sense of the coming doom, when you can almost see the tears she hasn’t cried yet. Or were those the tears she hid from you? You’re angry but you don’t know where to place your anger. How do you keep yourself from maiming her source of despair? How can you be as optimistic as her, when you both know it will never do her good?

Baka kasi you’re still hanging on to the idea of “pwede.” That maybe, the odds are on your side, and maybe this time, things would turn out the way you want them to. Maybe because if her fairy tale becomes real, yours will too. 

But reality check. As much as JP is also dear to me, wag syang magpapakita sa ken. Kakalbuhin ko nunal nya.

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Akh. Am craving for yellow cab. Si Master-Multitasker Claire kasi e.

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It’s amazing how some people could confuse fellow-feeling with love.

It doesn’t mean that when someone makes you feel good, you are in love. You may smile everytime you think about a person and you may always remember that person fondly, but it doesn’t mean you’re in love. It just means you like that person. It may develop into love, but not yet. Don’t spoil something so rare but using it so loosely.

I am not an idea. I deserve to be loved for who I am, not what I stand for. I will change, and if you only love the idea of me, there will be a time when you won’t love me anymore because I will be standing for a different thing. I don’t want your love if it is not forever.

Besides, it’s not as if you can reached the bar. 

~ by denice on 20 October, 2006.